#And i do feel Bad for dream bc none of the adults talked to him about it

[cleofast]

.

[mikimakiboo]

I was wondering if you were doing anything for/with the apple incident. Since it would be like, a clarifying moment for the guys in the tt gang. Like that’s why he’s jumpy and scared all the time. That’s why he was so rude and scared. That’s why he stopped talking to them, he thought they would be aggressive and violent. The servants could think he was cursed by the devil, or a witch or smth. Till it reached a high note, then him and Dream slowly reconciled and reconnect. Then night just starts pouring his soul out with him bc he’s so lonely and scared.

My time to shine and ramblllleeeeeee

Btw since you asked something about my AU just assume I'm in love with you, okay ? I'm your wife now /jk

As you can imagine the answer will contain spoilers regarding Nightmare's backstory SO I'm putting it under the cut :D

So regarding the apple incident, whenever I make AUs including Nightmare he is always corrupted, however the tree of feelings doesn't always fit the narrative, like in Time Travelers AU where Nightmare was born and lives as a noble in the 17th century and not 500 years ago as a guardian

So since there isn't any tree of feelings there isn't any apples either so there technically can't be an apple incident

So that's when the second scenario comes in handy: magic overdose :D

Basically at the age of six Nightmare's magic starts to grow a little too much, he would often choke on a black goop that would form in his soul and go in his throat for him to throw up, and it's a long and painful transformation, I'm talking about years here, from his six years old to his ten years old his magic would slowly overwhelm his soul more and more, come out of the joints, mouth, nose, eyesockets, he would choke and develop quite severe chronic pains until he's eventually covered in goop just like his original corrupted self

One good thing with that scenario is that it allows me to give him a softer personality as he wasn't exactly corrupted, his magic just got messed up, but he's still the same person as his passive self

Now, as Nightmare is living in a very religious time, everyone thought that his messed up magic and black goop was due to some demon possession or that he was cursed by either God, Satan, or any other divine force, and so Nightmare had to go through a lot of exorcisms, lots of different covens but of course none of it worked

He was always insulted and looked down upon as he was seen like a curse by himself: his father died young (when Dream and him were babies), his mother died young too (when they were young adult) and everyone blamed him and his mere existence for it and every other bad thing that happened to other people he ever talked to or looked their way

His own mother, Nim, was part of the people insulting him, by telling him that he was her biggest failure and she should have left him in a coven if only Dream didn't insist so much to keep him

So yeah Nightmare doesn't really think very high of himself and is fully focused on being as good as he can so hopefully people won't see him as a curse anymore

Dream was actually the only one to never turn his back on him, even when they were in different covens/schools (nobles were placed in special schools from 10yo to 18yo, very strict, they had to speak Latin too so that's why Nightmare is fluent) he would always send him letters, so their relationship never got too bad, Nightmare did have a period when he didn't respond to the letters but he never felt resentment or anything toward his twin because he was actually his only friend, so when they were back home together when they got out at 18 they actually became even closer because Dream was really the only one who would listen to him and genuinely love him

So yeah the two brothers are inseparable and rely very much on each other, Nightmare tells everything to Dream and Dream also talks about anything and everything with Nightmare

Now regarding the tt gang, when they learnt about the backstory they did assemble some pieces regarding Nightmare's behavior

Because his obsession with being perfect and not mixing with them, hardly talking to them and keeping his perfect noble image is actually trauma response after years of being talked down and seen as God's mistake, so now he has to appear perfect at all time so he won't have troubles anymore without realizing that this image hurts him too as he bottles up everything he feels and do not act like himself AT ALL

So yeah the backtory do make them understand his behavior better and they do feel very bad for him because obviously it wasn't his fault, he was only a child who should have gone to the doctor to have some magic drained out instead of being exorcized every two days and treated like shit

They'll eventually work through the trauma together

Hope that answers your question :D

[posallys]

ok 1 ur desktop theme is GORG and 2 i need (if u wanna) ur thoughts about the show (or show sally in gen bc ur the only one i trust with her)

thank you!! i was actually thinking about updating it but maybe i wont 🤭🤭 and i have a lot of thoughts about the show except none only very few of them are good and i will be crucified by the 13-year-olds

im going to tell you anyway.

i will start with something i like....percy being angry. like yes give me the anger of a 12 year old who feels utterly alone in the world and doesn't understand (or does and it makes him more angry)

the fight scenes are dog shit. the only kind of cool one was in the arch but it was only cool because of percy doing the bait and switch and falling through the arch...the fights are bland boring sucky whatever other synonym you wanna use

uhhhhh sally jackson is not and would never be sitting in the rain pining of the god she told to leave....and especially not to teen pop...if she WERE going to act like a 16 year old and do the pining thing it would be to fucking like...billy joel and ricky martin and donny hathaway and stuff llike that okay...

i will preface this by saying that yes i understand that talking back to an abuser the way sally does in ep 1 doesn't make the abuse less abusive....however i DO not like the fact that that scene explicitly goes against sally characterization in the books....i am not digging my book out atm but the part where percy is like "my mother has never raised her voice or said an unkind word to anyone"....me thinks the writers all read the books 10 years ago and are going off of memory alone + or their brains are so clouded by the obsessive Big Screen Need to make women a badass girlboss slay queen i fucking hate it here

LET ANNABETH BE SILLY AND FUNNY AND CUTE AND CRY AND NOT BE AN ADULT THANK YOU....hated that they made annabeth the one to realize that it was medusa and not grover...give me back grover having to wrangle percy and annabeth into backpack leashes just to keep them on task/stop them from wandering off...book trio i miss you

i absolutely ADORE leah, walker, and aryan though the three of them are so so perfect, A+ casting no notes couldn't have done it better myself. if it weren't for the three of them i would have zero hope for the show i cannot lie...they're carrying. without them it's just..bad.

the pacing???? bad.

why did we waste half of the 4th ep on the train with echidna...stupid dumb pointless i hate it here

i do like the whole not all monsters are monsters and the gods aren't inherently good just because they're gods thing they've got going on though...very inch resting...silently hoping that they do a complete 180 and have percy side with luke and redo the series from there because that would be iconic as fuck <3 a girl can dream because at least then i could take the show at face value and not take 80 health damage every time they mess up a key part of the books...im at -29834 heath rn.

where was the time at chb before the quest??? the oh so important vital scene where luke teaches percy to sword fight???? like BRO that's soooooooooooo important to ME how could you get rid of that

not having annabeth show percy around camp

additionally, not having annabeth feed him the nectar and ambrosia, WHICH BY THE WAY they haven't even mentioned in the show yet...plot armor gone rip

not the fredrick chase sympathy while simultaniously blaming the woman...........rick when i get my hands on you...

annabeth having to EARN thalia's love??? absolutely not probably one of their biggest fuck ups fr.

the scene where sally is talking about Poseidon to percy...i do not like it sam i am. bad. not wistful enough not longing enough not sad enough not gut wrenching enough...also not completely here for sally telling percy that his dad was a god because....sallys whole thing was NOT telling him in order to keep him safe...i know they changed it in the show so sally knew he was going to camp immediately but that does not mean i have to like it

the scene with sally and percy in the pool. i hated everything about that. sally would never talk to percy like that never talk to him about money never make it seem embarassing NOT TO MENTION that percy simply wasn't scared of the water. that's stupid as fuck. theres a part in the book where percy literally says being by the water calms both him and his mom like...come the fuck on just admit you can't fucking read or at least didn't read the book.

sally annabeth get behind me so they cant hurt you anymore

i did loveeeee percy praying to sally though...absoutely insane and true of them. also the "I AM SALLY JACKSON'S SON" yesss baby you tell them about your mommy!!!!!!

them making athena moa level bad in tlt is quite interesting. setting up annabeth siding with percy pretty well.

also the whole impertinence thing over medusa's head was weird to me. when annabeth first said that i had immediately thought that annabeth's impertinence was telling percy to pray to poseidon IN ATHENA'S TEMPLE bc that made much more sense to me...but whatever

the annabeth/medusa parallel is intriguing at the very least

the underwater scene with the neraid was cool even though i hated the parallel to the pool scene w/ sally.

the dumbass pinecone fate line. 0/10 did you read the book? did you pay attention to how empathetic and reflective percy was when he found out about thalia?

honestly....i think disney was just the wrong place to go with this show because it's like what...pg? it should be pg 13 and should have more... sustenance.

this medusa was so cool though. which we could've seen a fight.

i need to know how many women are in the writer's room though...because It Does Not Look Good. funny how the characters that they're fucking up are all women....crazy. weird. totally coincidental.

are we just not going to talk about the vitality and pressure of getting the bolt back on time? where is the inherent inevitable danger, the suspense, the fear of not accomplishing a seemingly impossible talk looming over everything

this is 10000% not all of my thoughts but im not going to rewatch in order to collect them all so this is what you get xoxox

[julien5-malfunction]

21022024

The slowly decomposing friend chilling in the corner has been fed a piece of meat, since I can't find any dead flies around and I imagine he's hungry since none of the little thirst traps have been closed since I brought him home....

I asked about feeding him meat from this witch person who also told me to pick off the dead traps as soon as they appear, so I did that as well.

I hope the plant feels better and doesn't get food posioning from the meat.

[Random grandmom encounter yesterday][CW mentioning: suicide, self harm, ed, transfobia. abuse.] 🔻🔻🔻

I slept for 18 hours, prior to that, I stayed up for 28 hours in total. that makes 46 hours so yeah, pretty much how the last 2 days have gone; In a caffeine fueled delirium and weird dreams.

Yesterday I ran into grandmom in the wild (in the seacond hand store) and she offered to pay for the things I has gonna buy.

(A fish shaped glass dish and 2 shotglasses, I said they're for paint. These totalled 1,50€)

Then stood with her on the street and the converstation went sonething like this:

Me : (acting pretty erratic, talking loudly, swearing, talking about wanting to killmyself and trying to get to care and rehab, aka THE USUAL)

Grandmom: (Telling me to go to mom, that my hair, face and chlother look bad, wtf happen to me I used to be a pretty, nice little girl, tells me to pretend everything is fine and go to school and get a job)

I told her multiple times that I'm not going back to mom, (and my other responses)

"bc my mental health can't take it, I'm clearly not OK and I'm done pretending that I'am, it never lead to anything good, can't you see?"

"I can't go to school like this, they threw me out so I'm trying to get to the fucking rehabilitation, I don't know why it's taking so long on the social workers end. It's not that I'm not fucking trying at all"

"What is wrong with these clothes? What do you mean 'they aren't nice?"

"Because I don't look like the other kids, yeah there, look, anorexic little whores, that one is smoking an electric cigarette, yeah ...And I'm not exactly skinny anymore. I don't care I don't want to look like that, they're boring. "

" I do have long hair (lifts up rat tail*) see?... I don't want to get it cut I'll look dumb."

" I'm not scratching my face! It just is like that, I don't care! I'm just not pretty."

Told her that I'm fed up with the conversation a doesen times. Then left.

Did I fucking insult her once?

I feel like I'm being an asshole but I'm also really tired of tolerating such treatment.

I talked about this in this kind of 'youth support' -thing, I went to as my next stop.

That I don't wanna go back to 'being THEIR little girl, a fucking barbie doll. Never talk back, everything was decided for me, I was dressed to school for fucks sake, up to when I was like 16 until I was placed in the first unit. Or not dressed dressed, but I didn't get to pick my clothes or they had to be out of the ones mom or grandmom bought to me, bc I didn't get to pick them at the clothes store and hated going shopping anyways.

Never being able to fucking talk about 'not being OK' cutting in silence and crying in the shower floor bc I once got yelled at for crying 'without telling a reason' (I, myself, did not know why I was crying?)

So yeah, they want that back. They want the little doll back and I always get to hear about it. Fuck them, I'm so over it. Cutting off mom did take me time to get used to, shit was difficult at first for me too. Now I don't even think about it unless someone/thing brings it up. I recovered from anorexia after that for fuck's sake. I begun to feel feelings for the first time bc I could finally fucking talk about feeling like shit or being excited and not being yelled at or made fun of? Like I actually have some kind of personality now??? Like. I have no words. I'm just pissed off and annoyed that this has to still be shoved at my face every fucking time, like??? I'm an adult now? I look shit if I look shit and I have my fucking issues that effect my life and that's my fucking life for now for fucks sake.

Like, I have a certain about of 'backstory' I trauma dump on people and IF THEY CAN STILL STAND ME AFTER THAT they pass the vibe check. Then I can be comfortable and talk unrelated things or whatever, depends on the social situation.

Grand mom, does not pass the vibe check.

Sure I'm thankful that she paid the 1,50€ for me but. I can't be bought to act like a doll anymore. Not with money anyways.

I'll try to learn so I won't be bought with kindness either. Being too kind got me taken advantage of. I have trust issues.

Trying to learn to stfu as well but it's hard.

[jancys-blue-bayou]

The Byers and Wheeler siblings (except Holly lol) for the character ask

Jonathan

do I like them: LOVE THEM

5 good qualities: Incredibly brave, selfless, protective of those he love, incredibly caring, smart, funny.

3 bad qualities: putting himself and his own dreams last and down, not always communicating what he's feeling, and uh...early in s1 has an issue with boundaries that he grows out of.

favourite episode/etc: generally s1 but ep 4-5-6 is the peak. From him crying and hugging himself listening to Atmosphere when he thinks Will is dead and his mom is going insane to him and Joyce fighting on the street, to talking with Nancy at the funeral parlor, teaming up, target practice and talk, arguing in the woods, saving Nancy from the UD, comforting her, heading out with her again the next day, shopping for hunting supplies, rightfully beating the shit out of Steve etc.

otp: Jancy, duh.

brotp: Byers bros, duh. Excluding familial bonds, Argyle ofc.

ot3: Hear me out: Nancy, Jonathan AND Samantha aka Siouxsie Sioux from the party in s2.

notp: Stonathan

best quote: "You shouldn't like things because people tell you you're supposed to."

head canon: he went out on his own and literally talked his way into a job the day after Lonnie left bc he was perceptive enough to be aware even at that age of the family economics.

Will

do I like them: yes ofc

5 good qualities: brave, selfless, good friend/brother, talented artist, sweet.

3 bad qualities: putting himself and his own wants last, hiding his problems from others, 15 but still hasn't stood up to his mom about the bowl cuts.

favourite episode/etc: s2 finale

otp: none

brotp: Byers bros, duh, the party ofc but want to esp highlight Will and Lucas together.

ot3: none

notp: passing this too since I'm not putting any otp

best quote: "Is that why you don't have any friends?" jc roast king Byers

head canon: when he's in college and Jonathan is an adult with Nancy, a career and responsibilities Will makes Jonathan a bunch of mix tapes of new good music so his big brother doesn't get too out of touch.

Nancy

do I like them: LOVE THEM

5 good qualities: incredibly brave, smart, persevering, protective and caring.

3 bad qualities: retreating (between s1-2), getting tunnel vision and not fully considering others viewpoints at times, not always considering her own safety

favourite episode/etc: like Jonathan generally s1 with ep 5 and 6 the peak. Maybe specifically ep 6 for her then, from being saved from the UD by Jonathan, comforted by him, theorizing about the monster, bravely deciding to head out there again, shopping for hunting supplies, confronting and slapping Steve, her and Jonathan at the police station, linking up with Joyce and Hopper etc.

otp: Jancy, duh.

brotp: Max

ot3: Hear me out: Nancy, Jonathan AND Samantha aka Siouxsie Sioux from the party in s2.

notp: Stancy, duh

best quote: "I wanna finish what we started. I want to kill it."

head canon: Karen had to outlaw Wheeler board game night for fear of Nancy and Mike actually killing each other over Monopoly.

Mike

do I like them: yes ofc

5 good qualities: he's goodhearted, has leadership qualities, would do anything for his friends, is brave and caring.

3 bad qualities: gets tunnel vision, gets distracted, doesn't always think things through

favourite episode/etc: Prob 1x06 for him when the brave idiot jumps off a cliff for Dustin.

otp: none

brotp: the party as a whole, Will esp.

ot3: none

notp: passing this too since I'm not putting any otp

best quote: "If anyone asks where I am, I've left the country."

head canon: he and Nancy were closer when they were younger and get along better when she moves out and he grows up.

[mariesocuniverse]

Relationships: NCT DREAM

Look for Mark and Haechan: here

RenMae

Okay RenMae is one of the top if not the #1 among NCT

fans are like almost 100% sure they’re soulmates

Like there was no awkward small talk when they first met they just talked and ended up each other’s best friend

You would think they’d be childhood friends or at least friends before they became trainees with the way they interact even though they met at SM

she did confess to him before debut that she had a crush on him but he thought she was joking and now none of them talk about of that

Whenever she has a hard time sleeping and wants to sleep with someone, the first option is renjun

she also steals his clothes a lot and renjun’s pretty sure half the clothes in Mae’s closet belong to him

he just stopped fighting her about it because of how stubborn she was and let her do what she wanted

there was this one time he ran out of shirts to wear so he just walked to Mae’s closet and took one out

there was also this one time Renjun was in China and Jaemin posted a pic of Mae taking a nap with Renjun’s sweater on saying that she missed him so much so she wore his sweater

yeaaaaah nct twt broke that day and Renjun’s phone was blowing up with notifications

they dressed as peter pan and tinkerbell for halloween and have each other as that for each other’s contact name uwu

okay enough with the corny stuff

just because they’re close doesnt mean they’ll hold back on each other when it comes to teasing each other

like you wouldnt want to get in their crossfire unless you want them to turn their attention on you instead

MaeNo

you would think he’s older than her because of how protective he is of her

He has eyes like a damn hawk when they’re going somewhere

whenever they’re doing schedules you can see Jeno holding her hand as they make their way through all the crowd and glancing around to see if anyone has any bad intentions towards her

If it weren’t for his status as an idol you would think he was a bodyguard and he would beat up someone for Mae’s sake

whenever they record Jeno always waits for her to finish so they can go home together no matter how late at night it is

there was this one time sasaengs kept calling her phone during a live so he just grabbed her phone and turned it off and threw it too the side without saying a word

Second person Mae goes to when she has nightmares

they’re also have a really playful relationship

like there was this one time she wasn’t paying attention to him so he just lifted her and put her over his shoulder like a potato sack even though there was staff watching them Mae has tried and failed to do the same to jeno

You know how jeno says he likes being called no jam bc of how it makes him feel less burdened? Yeah she always throws him under the bus when it comes to variety shows

she has a samoyed plush on her bed when she bought when she went shopping with him bc it reminded her of jeno

Sometimes she hugs the plush instead of jeno just to annoy him lol

“I’m right here you know” “well the plushie is more huggable for you information”

Yes he did tackle her after that comment

MaeMin

okay this man right here

you know how he melts at everything jisung does? yeah the same goes for Mae

only that she openly accepts his affection and lets him cling to her whenever he wants like his personal teddy bear

you know how at fansigns idols sometimes get gifted cute headbands and plushies? he openly yelled “i love you!” to her when he saw her with a cat ear headband surrounded by plushies

she’s also like really impressed by him

she never thought she’d meet someone who would do aegyo so willingly and so shamelessly

like that one episode of weekly idol where they did the ottoke song and jaemin did a duet with everyone? yeah she couldn’t believe someone like him existed

he basically acts as her parent if none of the 127 members aren’t near them

Whenever they’re on reality shows and the prize is food he always put someone on her plate regardless of whether she lost or not

third person mae goes to when she has nightmares

would not leave his side for a week when he was put on hiatus and couldnt perform with the rest of the dreamies

she didnt want him to feel lonely while everyone else went to promote without him :(

All in all, they’re very affectionate and if they’re together you’ll have to pry jaemin’s hands off her

ChenMae

Mae’s child #1

he got lost in the company building and was too shy to ask the staff so mae approached him and brought him to wear he needed to be

accidentally called her hyung once when he was still learning korean but it ended up sticking so now he and jisung call her hyung instead of noona

When he first joined she helped him adjust with her broken Chinese and now they help each other with the language

one time she visited his house for dinner and his mom made her eat a lot of food because of how skinny she was chenle didnt stop her bc she needs sustenance >:(

wants to give her a personal tour of Shanghai when they’re given enough time for vacation

you know how chenle gave 00line watches when they became adults? he had to fight mae to get her to keep it bc she didnt want him spending money on her

legit he tried to buy her stuff but the only thing she accepted was the watch and this cute charm bracelet that says NCT on it

he put one of his photocards in her phone case (the WGU one with him by the water) and she hasn’t removed it since

he’s really smug abt it and brags to the others about it jisung retaliated by putting his photocard too so now she as to make both of them visible

fights jisung for favorite child position and he wins 50% of the time even though she says she doesnt have one

MaeSung

Mae’s child #2

took one look at him and decided to protect him

she’s used to other people taking care of her so it was nice to take care of someone else for once

i said he also calls Mae hyung but it’s also because he forgets that she’s a girl?

sometimes he hears someone call Mae ‘noona’ and he just gets whiplash because he got reminded that his “hyung” is really a girl put in a boy group

they were honestly really awkward when they first met because Jisung didn’t know how to react to a girl joining the group and kinda avoided her until she cornered him

calls him a tree whenever he teases her about her height

mae when jisung tease/pranks her: i’ve fed and raised you and this is the treatment i get?!?

jisung: you’re only two years older than me….

he gets pouty when Mae doesn’t pay attention to him

theres this one video of Mae talking to another member during Resonance filming and you just see him pouting in the background before walking to her and giving her a back hug

definitely uses his status as a maknae to his advantage

she’s not even subtle about it she’ll buy or cook food for him or yield whenever he loses a game

whenever she’s not around he always brags that he’s her favorite nct member haechan and renjun get so salty abt it lmao

[marinetteplztakeabreak]

ML Lies Episode Predictions:

There’s Two?? (don’t trust my math) more days before lies completely destroys me, so I’m going to make some predictions, and by predictions I mean wishlist. My walls are already up, so if none of these happen I won’t be disappointed, but also a girl can dream: (this is somehow 1700 entire words long because I have a lot of feelings, so it’s under a cut, you’re welcome)

—Adrien and Kagami’s are secretly dating: please I want it so bad, I’ve talked about this so much and emotionally I need it!! At the very least I want them to sneak out together so so bad I’d cry. But also, if they’re hiding it from their other friends for whatever reason, thats SUCH good angst potential.

—If we get to see some kinda montage of them sneaking out??? Id ride that high for months. Even just one actual example of them working together to sneak out would obliterate me. Like, how it shows Kagami sneaking out to go to the game in Ikari Gozen?? I’d cry

—The breakup happens as a direct result of it being a secret relationship: this would be SUCH a good parallel to lukanette. Lukanette broke up because Luka wanted Marinette to be more open with him and he hated being in the dark, so just, the parallels if Adrien wants to be more open about adrimi and Kagami is like “you dont understand, if your dad finds out about us he will end this immediately” but Adrien wants to believe that its going to be okay and no one will react badly? I’m probably explaining this badly and I’ll try to explain it better later I just,,, want parallels and opposites and truth v lies and hhhhh

—Fencing??? Friendly/ affectionate competition??? Them being idiot jocks in love??? Please??? I want to see them compete!!

—I’d love to see Kagami character growth + Adrimi relationship development!!! I want her to love herself more and be more comfortable around him!!!

—Specifically, if there was a parallel to Riposte,, and Adrien beat Kagami in a fencing match and Kagami was like “Oh nice!! :D good game!” I’d be so happy I’d cry!! And it’s kinda implied by Chat Blanc that they’re already there in there relationship?? But not confirmed?? So if I saw it or saw confirmation of it I’d cry!!

—in one of the released photos it looked like they were holding hands??? And at this point my expectations are so low I don’t even trust it yet but blease,,, let them hold hands,, i’d cry of joy

—If Adrien is also constantly leaving and disappearing due to akuma responsibilities, I want it to read SUPER differently from the Lukanette because I love parallels/foils!! Marinette disappears on her dates with Luka and its just “oh marinette is really distracted and busy and frazzled” but I dont think Adrimi but be loke that at all!!! Because as far as Kagami knows, she has the same backstory/current story as Adrien. She’s risking a lot by sneaking out to go on dates with him?? So Adrien seeing an akuma and being like “oh sorry father is calling” isnt even suspicious or anything??? Its 100% believable!!! If her mother called she’d immediately be like “oh fricking heck i Need To Leave this instant immediately.” So its less “Adrien doesnt care about her” and more of just twisting the knife and reminding her that life doesnt want them to be together and Adrien is never going to be free!!! Big ouch to her heart!!!

—also I want!!!! Them!!! To talk about their feelings!!! Because parallels to truth!!! Adrien is like “sorry I have to go” and Kagami is like “oh I hate that so much” and Adrien is like “big same.” (Also idk how realistic this is but I’d love it if ‘Kagami talking about her feelings’ wasn’t the cause of strife in their relationship!! Like, she talks about how she feels and when she’s upset and Adrien is like “yeah me too” and they’re just,, good bros)

—I need them to stay friends after the breakup, i need it i need it i need it!!! And the whole issue is!! I feel like the main reason they’d date is to try and hang out more?!?? So if the breakup was actually them talking to each other and being like “hey so this isnt working with sneaking out, we’re going to need to go back to the way it was before,” rather than them saying they were bad for each other???? Hoo boy i’d lose my mind

—Also!!! My favorite prediction, I’d die of joy if this happened (and also of angst). I want there to be so much drama with “secret relatinship” stuff that they try to fix it by going public with their relationship!! Very low chance of this actually happening but its okay if it doesnt, thats what the fanfiction I’m inevitably going to write immediately after watching the episode is for!!! But anyway,, multiple ways this could happen.

Maybe they’ve been secretly dating since Miracle Queen and they decide to go public at the beginning of this episode and that’s the primary source of plot/conflcit!!! I’d be thrilled!!!

BUT!!! if the episode ends with then Not Breaking Up, but instead deciding to go from dating secretly to dating publicly???? Holy Freaking Heck,,, I’d go feral with emotion!!!! I also need to expand on this so much more but basic rundown of how I imagine it could happen (again: Is it likely?? Probably not! but this is my last chance to dream):

Kagami is like “listen we have the same backstory and I KNOW in my soul that this relationship wouldn’t work if it was public”

Adrien is like “okay yeah I feel you, thats fair”

Kagami goes on dates with Adrien and its fun and nice and lovely and the honeymoon phase is so good and exciting

Adrien starts disappearing a lot, partly because of akuma attacks, but partly because of nathalie and gabe calling him constantly

Adrien starts to be like “well actually i think that my dad does care about me probably? And if he knew why I wanted to go he’d let me! Or at least Nathalie would because clearly she cares about me!”

Kagami is like “hhhnngg have you met them?? You think they’d want you to be happy and free??” Except she can’t just SAY that because if she did then she’d be crushing Adrien’s entire heart and possibly also making him get really defensive and he has to come to the conclusion that his parents are good on his own

Kagami also starts to get frustrated with how much more often Adrien has to leave than she does?? And its because of akuma attacks but she doesnt know that and he cant tell her

Adrien starts to get frustrated because he can take the “having to leave for akuma attacks” part but when he finally finishes an akuma battle and Natalie immediately calls him it is just aaaaaAAAAAAAA and he just wants to believe so badly that he could at least take control of that part??? He could at least get Nathalie to help him out??? Probably maybe right???

Because we all know he HATES having to keep secrets from Ladybug, but he’ll do it for her, and he’ll keep his life as Chat a secret, but Kagami??? He should at least be able to talk about that, right?? He’s not doing anything bad/dangerous/etc

Also there could very well be some angst with Adrien being so so worried about Nathalie because she’s bedridden and his dad is being sketchy and he’s SEEN this before and he doesn’t want to be avoiding Natalie or lying to her because what if he loses her too??? He’d feel so guilty! And he needs the support of a parent figure so much,,, so he HAS to tell her the truth

But he respects Kagami’s wishes and he’s not going to betray her trust

But unlike Lukanette, they DO talk about their feelings and they disagree and stuff, and even if he’s trying not to be confrontational, Kagami is like “i can tell youre uncomfortable about something, please just tell me what it is” so he tells her that he disagrees

Kagami gets akumatized?? idk if it’s even been confirmed that she’s the akuma “Lies” but I’d assume she is because parallels to Lukanette

Maybe it happens as a direct result of some moment where Kagami and Adrien are arguing and in the heat of the moment he says something hurtful??

Maybe they’re arguing and then Adrien has to leave before it can resolve and Kagami is mad about it even though shes trying not to be and she gets akumatized???

Maybe she does say something like “bc your dad sucks and nathalie sucks!” and he yells or something (i want to see Adrien yell and be flawed let me live, and this is one of the most likely scenerios for it to happen bc it would HURT for him)

Maybe Kagami shoots back with anger, maybe Adrien’s been calm but Kagami gets mean for a moment, but regardless, Kagami says something about her true feelings of anger at nathalie/gabe/ etc and before Adrien can respond he’s like “oh shoot sorry I need to get home NOW”

Then for one brief second Kagami’s TERRIFIED that he’s going to tell nathalie about this in his anger and then nathalie’s going to be like “oh kagami is clearly bad for you because she made u this upset” and Adrien will LISTEN because hes stupid and he still listens to his horrible adult figures and Kagami is so mad about the entire situation so then in her moment of weakness she gets akumatized

Look at that its a direct opposite of Lukanette because Luka was afraid of Marinette keeping secrets about why she’s always vanishing because he doesnt know and Kagami is afraid of Adrien telling secrets about why HEs always vanishing bc she thinks she does know,,

But anyway, after she gets de-akumatized, she’s so ashamed of it and she can see how far she took it and how many people it hurt,, and Adrien is really sad and apologetic and trying to support her,, and she’s like “no clearly I was actually wrong, keeping this a secret is hurting you and its hurting me and now its hurting random civilians”

So she tells Adrien that they should tell people about it and stop dating in secret

And then multiple possible ending:

Does he say “actually no, youre right, they wouldnt let this happen, so if we cant date in public and dating in secret is hurting us then we shouldnt date at all” and thats how the breakup goes??? That would literally obliterate me

Does the episode end on a false positive where Adrien hasnt told them yet and he is like “yeah this is gonna be great” and there isnt an actual breakup yet?? Because that would also kill me (even though i doubt theyre going to let adrimi take up that much time in the show but, let me dream)

Also if Adrien is like “we shouldnt tell my parents but we should tell someone” and then they tell Marinette and now shes got ANOTHER secret to keep and aaaaaaaAAAAA?? Id die on the spot

I’m still holding out hope that the episode will give me enough crumbs to at least be able to write this better, but regardless of what happens in the episode,,, the chances of me eventually writing fanfiction exploring this are SO HIGH, I’ve been thinking about this for ages

In conclusion:

—no matter what happens in lies, its going to destroy me

—please let them be in a secret relationship it makes so much sense for their characters and for the drama and aaaaAAAAA

—also please give me the parallels to lukanette where their issues are exactly the opposite and it still falls apart

Thank you for your time, I’ll be excitedly vibrating at the speed of sound for the next two days until we get answers!! Depending on how the episode goes, I’ll either be writing so much adrimi fluff to recover,, so much adrimi angst to vent,, or I’ll be staring at the ceiling screaming for a few days as I post nothing but keysmashes and try to sort through my emotions :)

[mira--mira]

Madara and Hashirama for the ask meme 👀

Hashirama

What I love about them:

I really love Hashirama's stubborn optimism. I say "stubborn" here bc I think after a certain point of pain in misery in someone's everyday life, in some way it is a choice to remain optimistic despite that suffering. I don't characterize Hashirama as constantly happy and he can recognize the more realistic/pessimistic possibilities, he just refuses to accept them. I have it in my notes for OoT but haven't worked it in verbatim but Madara would call him "ruthlessly optimistic " and while that's tinged with Madara's own bias, I think it fits quite well.

What I hate about them:

Hashirama is stubbornly optimistic LOL. It's a double-edged sword and I think by the time he reached adulthood in a canon setting, Hashirama was so desperate for there to be peace he maintained his "everything will work out" attitude when he otherwise shouldn't have. There were the concerns with Madara and the Uchiha, his own brothers views that he certainly should have recognized could become a problem, and, after depending on when Tobirama took on students/how old they were, the possibility of biases being passed down and a Danzo like figure coming to power. However this was not Hashirama's responsibility alone to fix. I don't think, despite his love, Hashirama alone could have kept Madara in a village that hated him and a clan that distrusted him. Tobirama was an adult and let his own bias pass under a veil of "logic" and passed that, either intentionally or unintentionally down to his students. None of this is Hashirama's fault, but I think part of the canon story being a tragedy was he was blinded by a bright, hopeful future that he failed to see the early signs right in front of him.

Favorite Moment/Quote:

"To me, Madara was like a gift from the divine."

Even thinking about it makes me melt. It's so sweet and really emphasizes how much Madara means to him. 🥺

What I would like to see more focus on:

In fics? Hashirama's mental health and how his childhood affected him. Most of the long fics I've read focus on Madara. Which I understand, Madara has an arc into becoming a villain while Hashirama is just kinda "there" and it's easy for him to fulfill a support role to helping Madara in canon Au fics. A sort of unshakeable, always optimistic stone for Madara to depend on and stop his downward spiral into villainy. But, what makes hashimada so great for me is that Madara and Hashirama are equals. There will be times one falters and needs to depend on the other, and they're capable of giving each other that support. It'd also be great to see Hashirama struggle yet continue to choose optimism and compassion time after time because that feels more weighty and important than an eternally optimistic characterization that never wavers.

Headcanon wise...this isn't something I've found but desperately want to see (and will come up in all of my own aus) is the connection between the god tree and the god of shinobi who's famed ninjutsu is wood release and who's cells can be used for everything under the sun and are specifically needed to control the gedo statue / ten-tails. 👀 Look when I got back into Naruto and only vaguely knew about the war arc plot I thought Kishimoto was Doing Something with that. He was not. I am.

What I would like to see less focus on:

This is pretty much mentioned above but Hashirama as mainly a support for Madara rather than getting his own (non romantic) arcs in long canon Au fics. Headcanon wise, this is such a small nitpick, but Hashirama constantly being the one described as warm whereas Madara is cold. The big tree can *retain* heat, but he pales in comparison to Madara's ability to *generate* heat.

Favorite pairing with:

Hashimada (Hashirama x Madara)

No one should be surprised. I can wax prose about this for days but it's about ultimately finding someone else in a terrible world that *understands* you that you can grow with and support. I'm a sucker for friends to lovers and battle couples so guess what's right up my alley?

Favorite friendship:

Canon/BoaF- Hashirama & Mito

I know Madara & Mito is more popular, and I do love their dynamic but christ Hashirama needs friends outside Madara and Tobirama and I think they'd be good friends. Canon!Mito would provide a good level-headed perspective and wouldn't have the messy, complicated history like the three founders have together and it'd be good for Hashirama to get a break from that. BoaF!Mito and Hashirama are cousins their relationship eventually progresses to a sibling-like bond. They’re quite protective of each other and gossip endlessly together. Mito’s not as good as gardening, but they do it together and incorporate Uzumaki sealing techniques for certain houseplant decorations. Mito also might know about Madara 👀 

OoT-Hashirama & Sakura or Hashirama & Sai

His and Sakura's relationship is p similar to how I would characterize his and Mito's but with the added hilarity of Sakura being his "student" yet having 0 deference for him once they actually get to the "teaching" part (surprise: Hashirama's most uttered lines are "you do the thing, you know the thing, you know you just...do it. The thing. Madara "translates" a lot of their sessions.) Hashirama and Sai antagonize each other constantly and he *will* tease Sai into oblivion as any older brother would. Tobirama never reacted to Hashirama's mischief in ~fun~ ways and he felt bad about messing with Itama, who was even more emotional than he was and Kawarama, who hero-worshipped him. Sai is the perfect "if anyone messes with you I will personally make them regret being born yet *I* will tease you mercilessly to my hearts content" kind of little brother.

NOTP:

Hashitobi (Hashirama x Tobirama)

I don't do incest. At all. Even "non-incest" aus where they aren't technically related squick me out.

Favorite headcanon:

Hashirama can Speak to the trees.

Either humorously or seriously, I love this kinda, sorta, maybe not quite human power.

.

.

Madara

What I love about them:

Madara is kind and does his best to do what he thinks is right. The “kind” point is a lot of Hashirama talking/flashbacks and the “good” intention behind the Infinite Tsukuyomi. Making everyone a “winner” in the dreamworld, while absolutely insane and full of holes, is odd for a villain’s motivation. His role in the war arc is mostly focused on watching him wreck absolutely everyone he comes into contact with but I love Hashirama’s flashbacks and the glimpses of kid!Madara we get. Madara believed in his philosophy from a lifetime of pain that ended in him losing everything and being manipulated but he was still seeking a way to “help” the most people he could. He’s such a rich character that makes it easy to want to imagine other what-if scenarios where things turned out just a bit differently.

What I hate about them:

Madara takes all responsibility onto himself. This is more speculation because we don’t get Madara’s POV of his childhood or any significant scenes with the clan. However, I think this is one of the primary roots of most of Madara’s problems. If he blamed himself for mistakes that weren’t technically his, he could get into a cycle where he only blames himself and doesn’t seek help/support when he should have and purposefully reduces his support circle because he becomes paranoid that he won’t be able to protect them. A smaller issue that is both about Madara and not is he didn’t fall victim to the Talk no Jutsu, but was Madara aware of what was happening when he was possessed(?) by Kaguya? I forgot but if he wasn’t...I don’t think he’d agree Hashirama’s way was the right way at the end, merely his way was wrong. Because, in Madara’s point of view, the village may have been “better” (used very loosely) than becoming food/power for an alien goddess but it wasn’t good. It wasn’t the solution. Hashirama saying they were both wrong in some way saved the scene but Madara still jumped back to Hashirama’s dream being the right one too quickly imo. 

Favorite Moment/Quote:

“What are you going to do about the second [meteor] Onoki?” 

I’m sorry, that was just hilarious. We see this man slaughter an entire division and drop a meteor from the sky...two kages desperately try to stop it and it looks like they managed to succeed and he just...cool. What about the second? Really cemented Madara is Here and he is Dramatic. A close second fav is him flying across the battlefield to confront Hashirama only for the “I’ll deal with you later” line. 

What I would like to see more focus on:

I really love it when fics fill in the blanks of Madara’s childhood/his time with the Uchiha so that’s always a plus for me. The other thing is Hashirama calls Madara a “fundamentally kind man” and according to Tobirama the Uchiha feel love “too deeply” so I like fics that do focus on these aspects of Madara’s personality while staying true to his prickly demeanor. For headcanons I love, love, love exploring kekkei genkai/ninjutsu/genjutsu and how they individually affect people/clans. Digging deeper so that “fire affinity” means constantly running hot/pushing into possibly having fire resistance/unable to distinguish “too hot” / or even affinity acting like a secondary blood type so even if two people had AB blood if one had a water affinity and the other fire their blood would be incompatible. Also the mundane ways powers can be used (I have some Ideas for non-combat genjustu applications that the Uchiha use and those will come up in OoT 👀)

What I would like to see less focus on:

This again kinda ties into the Hashirama segments, but Madara completely depending on Hashirama and Hashirama alone for happiness. Especially in long AUs where he’s still in Konoha but has a poor relationship with the Uchiha. That’s fine starting out! But if the fic ends or doesn’t seriously work on improving that relationship it just sits a bit weird with me bc I don’t think Madara could be truly happy in that situation. (NSFW start) The other thing I see commonly is Madara is extremely passive/submissive in bed with Hashirama which is...weird to me? There’s also a reoccurring thing where he doesn’t have a lot of experience but Hashirama does and this leads to embarrassment and the aforementioned passive/submissiveness. I understand lack of experience can be embarrassing and I do believe Madara could be embarrassed, but instead of withdrawing into himself I think he’d push through it with something close to bravado and his usual single-minded intensity, for better or worse. I do think Madara usually bottoms in his and Hashirama’s relationship but both of them are as enthusiastic about sex as they are fighting and neither is especially submissive or dominant. (NSFW end)

Favorite pairing with:

Hashimada (Hashirama x Madara)

See absolutely everything else 😂 

Favorite friendship:

Canon/BoaF- Madara & Naori or Madara & Hikkaku 

I really like focusing on the Uchiha clan and exploring the dynamics within it. We get nothing about Madara’s early life outside of Hashirama so this is almost completely speculation. For the angst of canon, I like Madara being close to his clan only to lose them after his friendship with Hashirama is revealed bc he awakened his sharingan over Hashirama and that can’t be easily hidden. For BoaF, a large part of it is exploring the clans’ cultures before they made the village so this necessitates actually fleshing out said clans. Naori and Izuna are v similar in personality and both live to prank Madara and annoy him, but they hardly ever team up bc they start squabbling amongst themselves. Hikakku is stoic and calm in contrast to Naori’s mania and Madara’s intensity but he keeps track of every little favor and Madara dreads the day he’ll act on them because he knows it’ll result in something embarrassing for him. But like all BoaF!Uchiha, they’re fiercely protective of one another and you really don’t want to insult the wrong person. 

OoT - Madara & Naruto or Madara & Sai

I really Madara and Naruto’s dynamic, it’s very entertaining and fun for me to write and they’re both positive influences on each other. Madara gets more people to smother with his brand of affection and Naruto gets early recognition and training. Their weird non-training shenanigans (coupon collecting, gaming, etc.) also is p amusing. Madara and Sai have a similar relationship but I really like writing theirs from Sai’s POV bc he insists that he doesn’t feel close/like when Madara treats him like a little brother when he really does. 

NOTP:

Madatobi (Madara x Tobirama)

Logically, I know why this pairing is popular. Fanfic is saturated with the enemies to lovers trope yet emotionally I Do Not Understand it. Personally, I don’t enjoy toxic relationships, to read or write. And, to me, that’s what a close canon Madara and Tobirama pairing would be. Tobirama tried to convince Hashirama to kill him, he killed Izuna, even if it was in war, and I don’t think Madara could or would get over that. If Tobirama has similar attitudes about the Uchiha it makes it worse. AUs exist to rewrite this, of course, but I still don’t enjoy their romantic chemistry. At best, I like Tobirama and Madara as reluctant frenemies who insult each other and try to one-up each other. 

Favorite headcanon:

Madara is fire proof. 

I have a whole rant about this in OoT’s author notes 😂 Sasuke’s Amaterasu should have been a serious threat when it hit him. Instead the man just lets his clothes fall off then kicks their asses. He’s fire proof.

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In response to the ask game:

[tardytothepardy]

hm

Ok, so I've just finished reading through Gakuen Alice, the whole finale and everything, and I kinda feel like it was either rushed, or missing something. There were just weird elements to it, and stuff that doesn't make sense to me.

(massive spoilers for a lot of the series below, just an fyi)

So, in the finale, Mikan's been taken away from Alice Academy, and has been away from it for a couple years. She has no memory of anything from that time, though she sometimes still gets hit by intense emotions unexpectedly, most likely parts of her memory trying to get through. She's a high school student, she's 16 years old, and apparently there's recently been an incident of kidnappings in the area that seem to specifically target girls around her age.

So when she goes down to the beach with her two friends, simply called Sa-chan and Shi-chan, and a bunch of shit starts going down, there's reason to panic, right? Ahh, there's a bunch of men here that I don't know that are going to kidnap me!!! But then, another group of men that she doesn't know show up and beat them up! Whoa! Then, randomly, for some reason, one of her friends just smooshes up her face and suddenly she's an entirely different person. But that's not all. All these new strange men seem to know her, and they have crazy powers! There's one guy who just made all the kidnappers pass out with a wave of his hand! Another guy seemed to just make fire spring out of nowhere! What the fuck??

I just,, the way that Narumi and Tsubasa and Natsume and Tonouchi and fuckin,,, everyone else just seems to think it's so funny and wacky that Mikan, who does not remember any of them, is freaking out and thinking they are going to kidnap her, it bothers me. Like, imagine just going through your day, then a bunch of weird men who act like they know you surround you completely, then just laugh at you when you freak out. What the hell.

I just generally have gripes about how the characters act, basically. It's just fucking weird to me, idk. Could it be due to the fact that I read all of this within the span of maybe three days? Sure. But still.

Starting off, I just have to talk about how Natsume,,, acted? behaved? responded? something,, to Mikan. He fecking grabbed her wrist (and uh, again, she hasn't remembered who any of these people are yet) and just fuggin stares at her. Sure, that does trigger something in Mikan's memory, and she's starting to vaguely re-remember stuff, but then he just??? grabs her chest????? What????? WHy?? Would??? you??? do?? that????? I just,,, I know that he did do shit like that earlier in the series, constantly making comments about how flat her chest was (YOUR HONOR SHE'S FECKING TEN YEARS OLD WHAT'S YOUR DEFENSE) and looking down her shirt or whatever, but,, from around the first Christmas party onwards, he never pulled any of that shit. He never made comments about any of that weird shit, none of that. I (foolishly, apparently) thought that he had,, I dunno,, kinda moved on from that whole,,,, assault,,, thing,,, but no. Guess not.

And like, at this point, idk how old he would be, but probably around 17 ish years old. Wh-- why?? What,, what-- WHY DID HE DO THAT??? WHY DID HE THINK THAT WAS A CORRECT THING TO DO??? It was bad enough when they were younger and actually knew each other, it's fucking gross and uncomfortable now that they're both older and SHE DOESN'T FUCKING REMEMBER WHO THE FUCK HE IS. To her, he's just some random creep who groped her? Ah, teenage romance, what a dream~~

After that.... incident, a few other things happen, but he just fucking grabs her (she still hasn't fully realized what is going on or who any of these random men are) and fukkin yells at her for leaving the school before he woke up, all those years ago. Dude, buddy, pal, friendo, she didn't have any control over any of that shit. She wasn't the reason that Nodacchi brought him back a week or so after Mikan left, she didn't know any of that!! She was waiting that whole time, but she didn't have any control over when Nodacchi would bring back Natsume, I just,,, why. It annoys me immensely.

(i'm rereading through the whole interaction again and uh,, yeah that one panel where he's holding her and just starts talking about shit that she doesn't remember or understand and then fuggin says "You are mine"??? UH,, DUDE?? NO. STOP. Props to Mikan for not losing her shit bc I definitely would. I'd be having a panic attack or something, this is an intensely stressful situation and I just,,, The sighs that I am sighing are so intense. Disappointment is accompanying every exhale, I stg.)

It is only after Mikan absorbs that fragment of her first Alice stone that she even starts to remember stuff and I just,, I do not like it.

Moving on from that, Ruka. What's up with him. What's he been doing this whole time. Idk. He just feels weird to me. Maybe it's the fact that everyone's all grown up and all seem to be experiencing a particularly nasty case of same-face-syndrome, but he just seems so,,, bland? Empty? There's something off about it, I don't get it. I mean, at least Ruka doesn't try to do something to Mikan when she hasn't remembered who tf he is, so he has that going for him.

At least he has a purpose beyond just standing there: it's to give Mikan those earbuds that Hotaru made, and they allow for Mikan to hear Hotaru's voice which spurs her to become determined to find her. (Also apparently whenever this is all taking place, that is actually Mikan's birthday. Some point in the summer, I think? I can't say for sure without checking the wiki.) (ok so I looked at the wiki and it says her birthday is May 17th, so, yeah.)

But yeah I just,, after Mikan remembers everything and agrees that she wants to find Hotaru, the entire Class B from when Mikan was in the Alice Academy is suddenly transported there, and among the things that I saw, I saw that Nobara and Persona,,, had a kid??? What??? I'm confused. Never mind the fact that he's probably like twice her age, easily, but like,,, where tf did that come from? I don't get why that happened. It's weird. Why? Why was that a thing? I'm confused.

I'm not sure that I'm just underwhelmed, I think I'm also kinda disappointed, honestly. The series had been picking up so much steam, there were so many things going on, feelings were developing and growing, and I was completely caught up in it. But after the scene where Hotaru and Subaru sacrifice themselves so that Mikan can be with Natsume in the future I just,, wasn't really feeling it? I mean, I was crying all the way through to when Mikan was being taken out of Alice Academy, that was sad and stuff, but then the last few chapters just felt so rushed. So many things (but it also felt like too few things) were just piled on top of each other, one thing after another, I didn't feel anything. I was expecting to be elated once Mikan and Natsume were reunited, after all, that was the whole reason why Hotaru sacrificed herself. I fuckin watched him die, and I was screaming and rocking around in my chair and hyperventilating, I was caught up in all of that. But when Mikan did remember everything and stuff, I was fine. "Oh, cool. That's nice." I don't even know why, honestly.

I think, really, that (and this sounds questionable) I preferred everyone as kids. Because up to this point, they've all been kids. The way that they act are the ways that kids act (more or less, no kid should be through a fraction of what these kids were through), and I became familiar with them. But now everyone's grown up, they're almost adults, but since this is the finale, there isn't time to show how people have changed, and so they just feel one-dimensional. Like, I think one of the main reasons why Natsume's actions threw me off so much was that, like I said, it seemed like he had dropped that behavior (of um, groping, assaulting, harassment, stuff like that) kinda early on in the story. From at least the first Christmas party and onward, he never made weird comments, he just didn't do weird shit, and that's why it's so weird that that's what he decided to do. "Hey, how I can jog the memory of the girl that I fell in love with all those years ago? Well, I suppose I can grab her chest and comment on how it's bigger. That seems like a solid plan." Dude, what? No.

This whole encounter, of finding Mikan, was a thing that was thought about, almost certainly planned, for who knows how long, but it just kinda feels like they (the entire group) had like, a week, to come up with a plan to find Mikan, try to get her memories back, and then ???? something???

It's weird, I'm tired, and kinda disappointed. Which is really sad, because I really liked the story up until the finale. I almost feel like there's something else, to the story. That chapter 180 isn't the end, but that's as far as I could read it, so that's all I could get from it.

[jcfoxington]

@sambambucky​ : “pls... Pastels, Peaches and Pain??? among us first draft??? marvel meets warframe meets a bunch of tumblr posts (it’s not an au!?!??!)

hi jo !!! Pastels, Peaches, and Pain is one of those sambucky wips i have mostly fully fleshed out in my head because of one (1) extreme moment of clarity after a rogue ‘what if’ tangent thought but havent written anything of yet out of restraint / knowing i need to finish at least one of my current sambucky wips before i start it or none of them will get done

this was the rogue tangent thought: “what if Sam is haunted by Figaro’s ghost and has been since he was a kid?”. i’ve changed the ghost cat to not be Figaro but that’s the premise !

i refer to the fic as the cat fic ‘cause the whole plot is based around sam’s ghost cat companion insisting he adopts nat’s cat Liho after endgame and then Figaro later and then [insert redacted because plot spoilers but just know it relates to Alpine]. no im not projecting my feelings about cats idk what youre talking about 

here’s some note snippets just for you:

the cat, inexplicably, takes a liking to bucky, which is really annoying bc sam doesnt know how to explain to him that all the oddly soft gusts of wind are actually sam's dead cat insisting on getting pats

bucky getting shade thrown at him by said ghost cat during all of tfatws + them making up (and not out. yet)

starts when sam's a kid & follows him as he grows up w/ a ghost kitty as a companion only he can see & interact with + angst with an undertone of comedy + getting together

he whispers to ghost kitty, who simply mmrrs happily

for the among us first draft thing, what basically happened is i saw this tweet and this video and my brain latched onto these dynamics so hard i had to write about them. 

here’s a sketch of my two main imposters, Black (left) and Cyan (right):

and here’s a snippet:

The thing having Cyan pause and stare out at the asteroid field is how the colors stretch to family. When they and Black came aboard, they had thought every crewmember was an adult working on the planet-change project. That the patch of off-white with a black something-pattern-or-shape signified status. In a way, Cyan supposes it does, but just not the way they expected. They had expected it to show what rank an individual held within the hierarchy of the crew, from deckhand to division leader to captain, not to show that you're family of the crew and not actually part of the crew itself. 

There are innocents on this ship. Children. It was not something any of them had anticipated, and not something Cyan had been prepared to deal with. They and Black boarded this horrible place to eradicate a threat, believing each and single one of the humans were accomplishes and dedicated to the goal of destroying Cyan and Black's species, and their planet. But, now?

marvel meets warframe meets a bunch of tumblr posts... doesn’t have a wip title or seperate document for itself yet cause it’s been stuck in my ‘story ideas’ document since its creation. so ‘marvel meets warframe meets a bunch of tumblr posts’ is literally just me describing the vibe of an original world gjkerfkds

the world came to be for two reasons. firstly, i want to do make take on a superhero universe because the plot and complete lack of communication in both the dcu and mcu piss me the fuck off. secondly, needed a place to dump ocs with elaborate backstories or fantasy / sci-fi abilities that dont fit into any of my existing worlds

which sounds super competent but trust me, it isn’t. it didn’t gain any solidity at all until i decided to do a personal ‘how different can i make spn castiel look & still retain the same vibe?’ challenge. i have my own cas now

however, the reason i said ‘marvel meets...’ is because i’ve snagged a couple of different things from the mcu, most notably: enemies to reluctant coworkers to lovers, yes our best friend have the same name. no they’re not the same person, secret evil org is controlling the government, and the assassin that tried to kill you several times is now your best friend

warframe was added to the world because i got attached to my Volt build, gave them a name, and have some headcanons idk what to do with because i refuse to interact with that fandom. also because the friend i made through discussing warframe lore + plot dicked me over so it feels Bad to create for

the glue to this whole mess is that one “in every friend group there’s a mean bisexual, an even meaner lesbian, a she/they, a he/they, a himbo, an astrology bitch, a short king, and a token straight” tumblr post. my main group of superheroes ala the avengers consist of these people. the token straight is the only one i havent figured out who is yet

ever since i figured that out ive been throwing story / character ideas and weirdly specific aesthetics from popular tumblr posts into this world’s notes. here’s some examples:

sword grandmas

that trope where someone’s really nice and acts super well-adjusted to society but then they do something super whack and dangerous and you realize ‘oh they’re secretly a little bit insane, actually’

anti-gay group’s leader’s wife leaves him for another woman

superhero who swore to be the best hero [city / planet / solar system / continent / ????] has ever seen ever since he lost his wife. not because she’s dead but divorce just sucks & the hero-to-be is terrible at coping

dishevelled swamp witch

that one person who runs around with an amulet all the time & isn’t aware it’s cursed

an exasperated, tired superhuman assassin running after their husband and their husband's best friend. their husband and said husband's best friend both have wings. chaos ensues (yes, this one is a sambucky post)

ask me about my WIPs!

BONUS:

@sambambucky​​ : #i want to have a coffee and listen to synopses of all of these.... #i miss the discord wow #WRITING TAG #waitttt time jumping dream movie? lmao I'VE READ THIS LIST FORTY TIMES and every time i rediscover something i wanna know about #outfit doodlesss ugh i need to go

couldnt not respond to your tags because they make me go ghrkjfnerknf but in the good way. we miss you too jo !!

the time jumping dream movie was one of the first vivid dreams i had and the whole thing was so stupidly coherent and whacky i had to write it down. it grew plot, a queer love dynamic, weird sci-fi apocalypse elements, anti-military propaganda, questionable science, and a sequel while i wasnt looking and now i just. have to make it a real movie or i’ll combust

outfit djoodlles.png is only on there because my best friend sent me a ‘draw this outfit’ meme and space kitty, my current character brainrot, stole all the outfits for himself. otherwise, that file just sits there until im feeling like designing an outfit or wanna see how a stupid thing looks on my oc patrick

here’s one of the two poses-to-doodle-outfits-on of space kitty ive made so far:

and here’s one of those stupid things on patrick (that then turned into an actual outfit of his because i have no self control):

[dreamiehrs]

nct dream and what games they would play on Roblox

I think I’m pretty certified to say this bc I have been playing Roblox with my lovely friend every morning for almost a week or 2 straight so... yeah. also, someone has probably done this before and I just wanted to say that this is my own original ideas and thoughts about what games they would play in Roblox :) anyways, let’s get into it losers.

[also, big thanks to my amazing wonderful good friend ren aka @dreamzenct​ for making this adorable header for me!! love u lots also u guys need to check out her blog she is... amazing at writing <3 mwah :D]

mark lee ↬ story game and/or silent assassin

yes, I can see mark playing some dumb ass story game like cruise, vacation, break in, etc.

him and jaem would just spend hours mocking how silly the story games can be sometimes, and even though they criticize the games sometimes, they can’t help but to feel drawn to how silly they were LMAO

would get upset when he would die from something ridiculous in the game... also calling it now that mark is also terrible at parkour. idk I just... feel like he would mess up the momentum of jumping onto stuff or would cut the jump short.

jaemin would literally just laugh at how bad mark is. “mark... I hate to say it, but you utterly SUCK at video games. you’re even worse when you play fps games.”

“yah jaemin... u don’t want me to buy you dinner tonight?”

yeah that gets jaemin to shut up right away LMAOO.

going onto why he would play silent assassin... yeah hyuck would force him to play this wbk this would happen eventually.

would be a not so great assassin at first, but I feel like after a few hours of playing, he would get the hang of it. however, whenever he would be the target he would be killed RIGHT AWAY by whoever the assassin is... in conclusion: mark has no idea what he’s doing most of the time while playing that game SAHDJSADJASHJ

hyuck would troll him so hard about it, too, saying stuff like: “omg learn the controls next time!!” “man, you absolutely suck at getting the briefcases like??? THEY’RE MARKED FOR U DUMBO! HAHA, GET IT? UR NAME IS MARK AND I JUST SAID MARKED- okay I’ll stop now.”

yeah mark would def just end up banning hyuck after he trolls him 500 times and goes back to playing cute but silly story games with jaem.

huang renjun ↬ murder mystery

yes I am still on my renjun detective agenda bullshit!!!!

but honestly I can see renjun rocking everyone’s shit when he’s the guard and absolutely OBLITERATES the murderer.

would probably get angry when he yells at everyone else that the murder is in a room somewhere and no one ends up listening to him.

“GUYS HE’S IN THE GUARD OFFICE!!!” also yes he types in all caps at all times this is renjun we’re talking about here.

then he would end up getting killed by the murderer and would spectate everyone and just yells in chat about how stupid everyone was being.

“GUYS I SAID HE’S IN THE GUARD OFFICE!!! TF ARE U GUYS STUPID???”

also he would be a part of the troll trio containing him, hyuck, and lele. these 3 would be UNSTOPPABLE trolls on roblox and just any games they played on roblox in general.

he would get frustrated when hyuck would just run around him in murder mystery and end up distracting him as he tries to figure out where the murderer is. chenle would just shoot blindly and would end up running off somewhere alone to get killed by the murderer himself.

and yes, he would get on the other players for being terrible murderers and not having any technique for killing ppl on the game. “you guys suck!! do you guys even have a certain technique/strategy on how to kill ppl without getting caught on this game?!”

chenle and hyuck would just laugh their asses off on how serious renjun was about this game like... chill man it’s not that deep LMAO.

I can even see the younger members just pissing him off and teasing him so that eventually renjun just rage quits AHJDDHJAS. chenle would end up just screaming in renjun’s ear and renjun would slam his fist down on the desk in front of him and would just LEAP at chenle irl.

the other members wouldn’t be concerned when they hear a crash come from renjun’s room. they were used to hearing stuff like that from renjun’s room as he’ll occasionally want to just wrestle someone (mainly hyuck or chenle).

but yes, wbk that renjun would EXCEL at murder mystery and just mystery games in general in roblox.

lee jeno ↬ adventure games and/or flee the facility

I feel like jeno would love adventure games so much like??? idk he just seems to be into that type of stuff.

I don’t see him as a rage quitter tbh? like I feel like he’d be so chill with everything going on that he wouldn’t get as angry as renjun does while gaming LMAO

he would just listen to some chill lofi music and just finish quests left and right in his own little world. I can see hyuck just being a little meanie head and creeping up on jeno without him knowing, and yes, jeno would almost spill all of his water onto his laptop when donghyuck does so.

however.... I can TOTALLY see him playing flee the facility with the rest of the dreamies. I feel like he’d especially play it with jaemin bc the 2 of them would be RELENTLESS when they become the beast omg LMAOO

jeno would be all giggly just having a good time and then BOOM jaemin destroys him with his hammer and just drags jeno to one of his freezing capsules LMAOO

jaemin would just be like “jeno~? where are you~?” all creepy like and jeno would just be in a room somewhere using his AMAZING hacking skills to escape (yeah no he messes up at hacking a lot... SAHJDSADJ)

meanwhile, jeno as the beast would act all scary but it wouldn’t intimidate jaemin at all LMAO jaem would be like “HAHA COME AND GET ME LOSER!! OH WAIT, U CANT BC U CAN’T CRAWL UNDER STUFF HAHAAHA- oh shit wait he got me HELP!!”

even though jaem tries to act all tough, he ends up getting killed by the beast, aka jeno, every time jeno is the beast. yes, jeno is just too good at being the beast for his own good.

jaemin would do good, too, but I can see him being better at hacking than jeno. omg just imagine jaemin hacking something and he’s almost done and then SUDDENLY he’s boped on the head by jeno’s hammer and it scares him so badly.

however, I feel like jeno would rope jaemin into playing more adventure games with him and jaemin would def just complain the whole time about how long it takes to walk to get the items for quests. wbk jaem is a huge complainer, I mean, have you heard how much he complains about jisung not wanting to accept his love? LMAO

jeno would just be vibing, though, not even paying attention to jaemin’s complaining and just working on his quests in his time. we love a chill king.

lee donghyuck ↬ silent assassin

again... do I even have to explain my reasoning behind this?

hyuck literally plays Overwatch 24/7 until it’s almost 2 or 3 am at night... so why wouldn’t he do the same but with silent assassin on roblox instead??

I can see him just getting upset when he only gets 4th place in the free for all game mode. he’d be like “dammit not again!! ugh this guy just stole all my kills what the heck!?!”

obviously he would get better at the game bc he would play the shit out of it. he would probably play it 24/7 like he does with Overwatch and would hit level 40 in a few days.

I can see it now, his desk littered with empty redbull bottles as he tells himself he’ll only play one more round of silent assasin... yeah no that was a lie he ends up playing until he’s ready to pass out in his bed.

and ofc johnny would be like “bro wtf why are u so addicted to this game?? get some rest man.”

“no.... I need to... upgrade my weapons more.... I need... MONEY!”

I can also see him forcing mark to play this game with him but lemme tell you something... mark would absolutely suck at this game. I mean, ofc he would get better as time passed but he wouldn’t be as good as hyuck.

when he first was assigned assassin I can just hear him being like “omg how do I move?!?! WHAT SOMEONE JUST KILLED ME!!’

hyuck would just sigh and type in the chat “you suck man learn the controls next time 🙄”

“stfu troll u can’t say anything until u learn the controls for pubg” mark would say back and would accidentally get banned or something for his swearing SAHDASHDJA.

I feel like hyuck would get banned too bc I can DEF see him as a troll alongside chenle. would probably scream dramatically when someone would kill him on the game too and would be an AMAZING assassin.

he would def ambush mark any second he got to as he was the assassin and would probably get the most kills in every game mode. mark would end up rage quitting and then hyuck would say something about mark being such a pansy. (and yes, that’s how hyuck gets banned LMAO mark bans his trolling ass)

na jaemin ↬ where’s the baby and/or daycare

okay so I can def see jaemin forcing jisung to play where’s the baby with him just bc he considers jisung his child... yes jaem loves jisung so much that he’s convinced that he birthed him HJSADHADJ

jisung would always want to be the adult bc he REFUSES to be the baby (mainly bc jaem wants him to be the baby on the game every time)

jaemin would be like “omg lemme take care of u jisung!! omg NO DON’T CHOP OFF MY ARM WTF SUNGIE!?”

jisung would be ruthless while playing with jaemin... he would just want to kill jaemin all the time and jaemin would be frowning about it the entire time.

“you know what, sungie? I’ll let you kill me on this game bc of how much I love you 😚“

“ew no nvm I’m leaving 🤮”

however, I feel like jaemin would be good at the hide and seek mode for where’s the baby. he’d find jisung within SECONDS. I can just imagine jisung hiding in the bush or something and jaemin would just immediately KNOW that jisung would be in the bush like... idk maybe it’s his seventh sense (😏) 

also, his sixth sense is that he knows when jisung is hungry, sad, angry, annoyed, all of the above man. yes, he can just sense those things and honestly none of the other members in nct dream understand HOW he can do that. (renjun is convinced that jaem is from a completely different planet and is only here to baby jisung... I mean, he’s not wrong though??? LMAO)

for the reason why he plays daycare... yeah maybe it’s just an excuse to scare jisung with that creepy demon character LMAO. he knows how much of a scaredy cat jisung is, and just loves hearing jisung scream when the demon always spawns near him SHJDASJDH

jaemin knows all the ins and outs of daycare and just abt story games in general... and yes, jisung def eats the poisonous apple and ends up dying right after they escape the daycare SADJASHDJH

I can see jaemin and mark playing story games in their free time, and when one of the younger members join them, they just know it’s gonna be fun when they have no idea what’s going on :D (and when they eat something poisonous)

zhong chenle ↬ tycoon and/or a horror game

so wbk that this nerd would play a tycoon to make even more money than he has right now.

to be specific, he would probably be the richest person on the server and just taunt people with how much money he has.

“oh you guys want this??? a million dollars??? well.... okay I’ll give it to you... SIKE BITCH U THOUGHT!”

he would be the biggest troll ever I’m calling it now.

he would probably end up getting banned for laughing at another user crying about not having enough money on the tycoon game.

“awhhhh you don’t have as much money as me??? haha oh well not my problem 😎😎“ (yes chenle is an avid user of this emoji)

he would have to end up making a new roblox account bc of how he was banned and the guy who he made fun of would end up just chuckling behind his screen about it. (chenle wouldn’t care though LMAO he would still come back and rock that kid’s shit and be the richest person on the server)

I can also see him playing some scary game and roping jisung into it just to scare him shitless.

“OMG JISUNG WATCH OUT THERE’S A DEMON BEHIND U!!! HAHA MADE U LOOK!!!”

cue jisung flinching like a madman to just realize no one was behind him. “lele ur such an ass!!”

however, chenle would also just scream when anything remotely scary happens just to scare jisung even more. jisung would end up rage quiting at this and saying that he’s gonna go to bed instead.

and yes chenle would wake jisung up at 3 am just to scare him with an image from the horror game they played on roblox earlier. you remember how they scared him by setting a cockroach as his home & lock screen on his iPad that one time? yeah just imagine that but with a demon face from a horror game SHDASJDJ.

park jisung ↬ bee swarm simulator

do I even have to explain this???

he would end up getting addicted to the game after chenle had shown it to him one day.

“OMG CHENLE LOOK AT THIS LEGENDARY BEE I JUST GOT OMG OMG!!!” 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THE KING BEETLE JUST KILLED ME THIS IS UNFAIRRRRRR!” chenle would just frantically scream into jisung’s ears and jisung swore that one day he would become deaf bc of his best friend.

chenle would show jisung all the tips and tricks on how to be better at the game and next thing u know jisung plays the game almost every day. he also freaks out when his bees get sad bc of the field they’re in and immediately goes back to his hive to feed them and make them feel better.

also jisung’s favorite bee would def be the demon bee.... no I will not elaborate on this.

jisung would treat his bees like his own children, making sure they’re all fed and happy. he would scream whenever he would get a royal jelly and would be obsessed with just hatching random bees all the time.

would def do the most just to upgrade all of his items but he’d do that just so he can fly everywhere and move faster. yes he would want to use his glider everywhere even when he doesn’t need to use it he uses it.

would probably end up getting stuck somewhere on the map and chenle would have to help him LMAOO

he would def complain about how much pollen he would have to collect and then would get distracted by how cute his bees are 5 minutes later. probably ends up playing the game for 4 hours straight without noticing until chenle yells at him to get off so the two of them could eat lunch together. (and dw, ofc he eats well after playing for so long he’s a growing boy <3)

[danifics18]

↪ NCT Dream as Cat Hybrids  ↩

Warnings : None Rated: Fluff

A/N: This is my first post, from my o.g. writing blog, I hope everyone enjoys it! 

  General Masterlist   NCT Masterlist

Available Under the Cut

Mark:

If he were a full cat, he would be a Tuxido cat- but he’s not a full cat, so the only fur that is visible are on his (slightly larger than most) ears and slim tail.

Both of his ears are black, and his tail is black with white dots scattered.

Looks up to his elder cat friends- especially Johnny but don’t let Ten hear that

Highly stressed bc he wants to act like a kitten still but he also wants to be an adult™️ :(

Once tried to shove his tail in Haechan’s mouth bc he was being … well Haechan was being Haechan … and got his tail bit

A pretty tamed dude

But he does get really excited

But he’s also super shy around strangers

He’s also the scariest one out of the younger ones, well when he’s mad anyways

Markhyuck 2k17 summer fight, anyone?

Once he’s calmed down, he does go right back to being really laid back tho

You can usually find him catching some Z’s in front of a window where he sunbathes

Tbh if you try to annoy him with asking stereotypical questions about Canada, he’ll hiss at you and then walk off sulking probably to go tell Johnny

Likes to hide the fact that he LOVES his ears being scratched

He does tons to help out both the younger ones, and the older ones, so he’s a stressed out kitty

Renjun :

He’s a fluffy gray boy

Gray little ears with a bit of tuft at the ends and the FLUFFIEST tail

Definitely a cutie

Tries extra hard to take care of the younger boys

Has to remind Chenle to retract his claws still

Gave up on trying to teach Jisung how to retract his claws so that’s Taeyong’s job now

Likes to cuddle with chinaline when he misses home

Used to ask you to cook authentic Chinese food but you would worry too much bc “Can hybrids even eat normal food?? Do you guys have special diets?? I don’t want you guys getting sick!!” So he goes to ask Kun to cook instead.

A blushing boy when you compliment him.

Please help this boy with his tail!! It’s so fluffy and it’s a lot for even him to handle!

The sweetest™️

One time you had a really bad backache and you rllly wanted a massage, so what does this boy do?

You know how cats do that kneading thing on blankets, or anything soft?

Well he was doing that to your back

You thought it was weird, bc he was using his claws, but it felt v nice(?)

After his baths he usually asks you to help comb out his tail while he combs his hair to get out any extra tangles

He is also the reason why no one lets their tails air dry- they have to be dried via blowdryer, since his tail will literally take most of the day to dry on its own

Jeno:

A much lighter gray than Renjun- almost a white color fur

Has black stripes on the bottom of his tail

Haechan calls him a gray honey bee bc of his tail

It took him a while to get used to you

Like for the longest time you thought he hated you, bc he would walk into a room, look at you, and then leave

Wouldn’t really talk to you either, just the basic “hello” and “thank you”

He didn’t hate you

He just didn’t know how to approach you

At first he kind of sized you up, bc you’re a stranger, but after that he was just a shy boi

The times that he walked into a room, stared at you, and then walked out? He was thinking of a way to talk to you- but again, he’s a shy one

He rlly liked how ultra kind you are, so he does tiny things around the house to make your day so much better and easier.

Even if it means tricking chenle and jisung into taking actual baths ( those poor boys don’t care for water yet )

He finally gave up on trying to approach you, so he did what most cats do.

He plopped his head on your lap, and nudged his head towards your hand, until you got the hint to scratch his ears.

After that he started to talk to you a lot more

And now he’s super talkative

He likes sunbathing with mark

Tried to teach you how to climb a tree once

But quickly decided that was a bad idea after you fell off a low branch.

He forgot you don’t have those cat instincts.

He will purposely do something rlly dumb so Haechan will stop roasting you, and roast him instead

This boy is a blessing

Haechan :

An orange boy

Just a lot of orange fur going on

Has definitely tried to dye his fur purple one time

But the color didn’t rlly last long

So he sticks to just dying the human hair in his head

Had you make tiny little shower caps for his ears- and all the boys demand little ear shower caps now

He only accepts warm food

Doesn’t rlly like bathes- but Yuta threatened that if he didn’t take a bath, that he would assist you in giving him a bath.

So Haechan quickly decided he didn’t mind bathes anymore

Haechan likes to give you trouble

Not bc he’s a rude cat

But he feels like it makes you guys closer

And you don’t seem to mind

He accidentally wakes people up at night bc sometimes he’ll just start singing at the top of his lungs

Which he’s a good singer ( we all know that )

But Haechan, it’s 3am, go to bed!

You like watching him dance

One time he was dancing, and his tail was swaying so much that Jisung attacked it.

Bit Mark’s tail

His partner in crime is Jaemin

They set up a lot of pranks around the house

One time they put a bucket of ice water on top of a door, and waited for someone to walk through that door.

It was Doyoung, going in there to collect dirty clothes.

Well, long story short, the boys did their own laundry for a good month and a half- and they also hid from Doyoung for about a week.

Likes to set up movie nights and living room sleepovers so he has the excuse to cuddle with everyone.

Definitely a handful, but he’s worth it.

Jaemin:

a calico

from what you know he is a sweet boy

kind of devious at times

pretty accident prone

partners in crime with Haechan

still can’t look Doyoung in the eyes

extremely talkative

highkey reminds you of a brother

he has no problem with using aeygo to get stuff ( esp food and video games )

tried teaching you how to play video games once, but gave up v quickly after you wouldn’t stop asking so many questions about “why does this character have blue hair? is it hereditary?” Jaemin doesn’t question why his games have certain features

highkey loves pancakes

v scared of storms

one night he scared you by crawling into bed with you, just after you got done watching a scary movie on your phone

he likes talking about the world’s wonders with you

if you can’t find him in his room or with one of the other dreamies, he’s probably in the forest on a scavenger hunt

if he weren’t a hybrid, you’d think he was a forest elf

Chenle:

a white boi with a white fluffy tail

highkey does not like water

gets mad at jeno for tricking him into a bath

a ball of energy

Night singer # 2

once had a singing battle with Haechan over who could sing the highest notes

the neighbors ended up calling the cops bc they thought someone, more like something, got hurt

it was awkward having to explain to the cops at 4 am, in your pj’s, that there was no one hurt, just two boys who don’t know what sleeping at a normal time was

thankfully you only got a warning, but you definitely made sure to give those two boys an earful, and extra chores for a month.

although they both have a room, him and Jisung both fight over who gets to sleep with you.

usually Jisung sleeps on the side of you and Chenle sleeps on top of you

you are the bed

But come morning, we all know that it’s one dog/cat pile on you

sometimes the other dreamies + hyungs will join in, until Taeyoung straightens them out, that is

he still needs to be reminded to retract his claws, or he’ll get stuck to everything!

over all needs a lot of guidance still

and he appreciates you a ton!!

Jisung:

has reddish brown fur

the youngest

still pretty clingy

but pretty wise

hates bathes

hasn’t fully learnt how to retract his claws yet

he might act like a little shit, but he loves and appreciates everyone so much

such an agile boy

spends a lot of time with Ten learning how to dance better, and learning neat little tricks

loves climbing trees with Jeno

spends a lot of time with Haechan and Jaemin playing video games

his bed is actually used for his stuffed animals that partially why he sleeps with you

he just also really likes the company

he really likes the snow, and the way it cronches when you walk on it

he feels super bad when he accidentally scratches someone

one time you had to help him put his shirt on correctly for school bc all the other boys had already left for school, or just to do what ever it is that hybrids do, and he couldn’t retract his claws, and got his claws stuck in his shirt

he got super embarrassed, but you were fine, you reassured him that it happens, and told him that Taeil will do that sometimes

and he was shook bc Taeil?? The oldest still gets his claws stuck in his clothes?

it made him feel 10000x better

but do know that he teased Taeil a tiny bit, but Taeil let him, bc he didn’t mind getting teased if it made Jisung feel better.

wow a truly loving family <3

[wardencommanderrodimiss]

So when it comes to FE: Awakening I said once I hoped that Pokemon Mystery Dungeon time travel mechanics were in play - averting the bad future means that everyone from that future world disappears from existence - so that the game could emotionally ruin me as much as Explorers of Time did. That did not happen - I should have expected that from my experience with Three Houses, Fire Emblem games end quick and there’s not much time for wrapping things up, so they couldn’t/wouldn’t take the time to explain that and unpack that. Because that would kind of be a huge thing to deal with.

But I had these tags on that post

#you know that if this isn't how the game works itself out then an AU of that will be the first thing i do #bc man. pmd explorers. few games have ruined me more than i was playing Explorers of Time 

and now that I know that the game doesn’t work itself out that way, I just said to myself "listen how fucked up would this concept be. And also how thematically interesting and complicated!” and then I wrote 2000 words thinking about it.

-

Naga told them that Robin was going to disappear with Grima’s death. Okay, fine - I mean, not fine, but they know that. Robin and Chrom are fighting over who makes the final strike against Grima because of that. Everyone is anticipating that.

What they’re not anticipating is when Lucina, Morgan, and the other kids to start fading away the same as Robin did, like the way the Risen crumble into dust, dissipating in bright light

“What’s happening?!” Chrom demands of Naga, because again, obviously, not expecting this. 

“They are children born of a future that no longer happened,” Naga explains. “How can they continue to exist when the world that they came from, the times that bore them and shaped them, no longer happen?”

The cost of victory is this: Robin’s life (it is unlikely she will return, Naga says, but Chrom has faith, he always does in Robin), and these particular lives of the children of Shepherds, children who wrote themselves out of existence so that another self would have a better future.

The cost of victory is this: Chrom has seen almost all of his family fall away from him. His wife, and his son and daughter, his nephew, and other comrades-in-arms and friends, are gone.

He still has a daughter, Lucina, back at the palace in Ylisstol, Lucina who is a child who has grown without her parents around - how old is she now? How long has this war in Valm and with the Grimleal lasted? Has Lucina learned how to walk and speak her first word while her father and mother were away at war? She was two months old when they left her; does she recognize Chrom when he returns?

This is Lucina and it is not Lucina and it will be Lucina and it will never be that Lucina. Chrom had a grown daughter who was strong and clever and beautiful and determined, who saved his life and saved the world, who inherited a Brand and a sword and the deepest grief of loss from him. Chrom has a baby daughter who will grow up with a Brand and someday a sword and never that grief from his death at her mother’s hand. She will have the life and the world that her other self fought for. Is this the same Lucina, or is it not? Did Lucina who went by Marth die just as she achieved everything she fought for? Or is there only one Lucina, one who will be happy now for never needing to fight a war and lose her parents, one who assured herself a better future and now gets to grow up in it?

Chrom is a firm believer in the future never being written in stone, in destiny being thwartable.

But what does it mean to write a new future when there are parts of the old that you miss so dearly and want back?

The Shepherds’ children from the future were their children and also, because of the unnatural time-travel-wrought closeness in age, their friends and comrades. And the Shepherds will someday have children again, but they will not be friends or allies in a war that was already fought.

What does it mean to miss a version of someone who will not truly exist like that again?

Miriel works on her experiments, refining techniques that she developed with help from Laurent, and she misses her son even though he is toddling around at her heels, chubby little hands turning pages of her notebooks. She can teach Laurent all that she knows and all that she learned from a him that no longer exists, but it will be decades before she can consult with him in the same way.

Sully knows why her future self, the self that she is becoming, stopped training Kjelle in mounted combat. Sully’s recent past self continued training Kjelle as the closeness in age meant Sully could always be right there in battle to protect her daughter - that she wouldn’t grow old enough to be sidelined while Kjelle was still fighting. “We can fight side-by-side for the rest of our lives,” Sully told a Kjelle that no longer exists, because she didn’t know or expect then, none of them did, that these children of the future would write themselves out of history. And the Kjelle who now exists is too small to put on horseback, and Sully wonders if someday there will come a war that Kjelle fights without Sully at her side, and she wonders if or when she would stop training Kjelle to fight on horseback.

Cherche has to explain to a confused wyvern what has happened to her “twin” and her other new, dear friend - dear family, in fact. But there’s a spark of familiarity in Minerva’s eyes when she sniffs newborn Gerome for the first time, like she knows before Cherche says it who this is, like they both know that one day this will come full-circle. Wyverns live for a long time. Perhaps one day Gerome will inherit Minerva as his mount, without Cherche’s death as the catalyst.

These children of a terrible future were precious and cherished comrades-in-arms, friends, and of course beloved children. It feels wrong to act as if they never existed. It feels wrong to try to keep them a secret talked about only among the adults behind closed doors. But does telling the children of the Shepherds when they are young about the people they in a different timeline became cast a long shadow?

What is it like to grow up in a shadow, trying to live up to someone else, when the shadow is that of your own self, and the someone else is you, but from a darker future that will never be?

How do their parents balance dwelling on a future that will never be, when they knew its inhabitants in the past that was.

Chrom carries his baby girl around the grounds of the palace at Ylisstol, showing her the hole he years ago broke in the wall where a Lady Marth once made her entrance. He shows her where she saved him from assassins, where he saw her face for the first time, not knowing then, of course, who she was to him. Not knowing then who she was to Robin, who was with him. (Not knowing then who Robin would be to him.) And then he wonders if he shouldn’t. If it will hurt Lucina down the road to be compared to a different version of herself. If it’s better that she’s so young that she won’t remember what he’s telling her now.

In averting the future that Lucina knew was written, Chrom and Robin were still following a sort of script. They knew what they needed to do, or not do. The future is open now, an empty expanse. Chrom does not believe in the strength of destiny; Chrom believes in the strength of people and the love that ties them together. Love, not destiny. Morgan is not destined to exist. Chrom wants Morgan to exist, because he loves him, because Lucina loved him and will love him again when he exists again for her to.

But there’s a certain fear that dwells within the blank slate of the future. Chrom believes in Robin, always and forever, and he will search the world over for her if she does not return to him first, because they are two halves of a whole and they will not let each other go. Robin will come back to him. He believes in that with his whole heart and everything he is, but it creeps up on him in the dark of some sleepless nights, with his young daughter cradled close, of what it would be like for Lucina to grow up without a little brother. For Chrom to never see his wife and son again.

Robin does return. Of course she does.

But how long was she gone? A week, a month, a year? 

She destroyed herself and Grima for the sake of everyone’s future. But the children of that future in some way destroyed themselves, too, for the sake of their own futures already past. To change their pasts in the future.

What it means is that Robin returns to a smaller family than she left. To no son at all, and a young daughter who looks at her and sees not her mother but a total stranger. And Robin barely knows her own daughter, either. The Lucina she knows was an adult, and is gone, and a memory.

The Shepherds’ children might grow up beneath the shadow of memories. And not just their parents’ memories of the person they were in a future that will never come to pass.

Robin dreamed memories of her other self, because they shared the same heart. 

And maybe that was because it was Grima’s heart, the heart of a nigh-godly creature, but hearts are strange things. Robin’s heart is made up of pieces of everyone she loves, now; it isn’t Grima’s. 

Maybe human hearts share memories - dreams - of a life that is past and future and will never be.

Robin doesn’t dream of new memories, anymore, because Grima is dead and her other self no longer exists. But the memories she saw before still haunt her in her nightmares. She saw them enough to remember them, burned into her mind like they are her own memories. Of a life that could’ve been and almost was and already was and is no longer where she killed Chrom. She herself knows the feeling of what it was like to strike at him; she pulled the (metaphorical) punch, but it would’ve been all to easy not to. Whether she made a mistake, or whether Validar made her.

All the Shepherds have nightmares about the war. That happens, because of a war. But Robin alone knows what it was like to have someone else’s memories as dreams. 

Robin alone can realize why it might be that Lucina wakes up crying so often in the night. Lucina doesn’t yet have all the words necessary to explain, not yet, still too young to comprehend the horrors that she lived in another time, but it becomes clear to Robin after she observes on several occasions that if Chrom wakes Lucina and sits with her, she’ll immediately calm down and drift back to sleep. But if Robin is the parent that she first sees upon waking, she’ll only continue to scream and cry.

“One of her last memories from her future self was of someone who looks like me possessed by Grima and trying to kill us all,” Robin says quietly, when Chrom has finally gotten their little girl back to sleep, held safely in his arms and her head against his chest so that she never saw that Robin was here, behind him. “And who knows if Grima in my body ever attacked her in her future. Of course she’s scared; she has those memories, and she’s too young again now to truly understand any of that.”

“To understand that it isn’t you she’s seeing,” Chrom says.

“But it was me,” Robin says. “I was her. She was me. I killed you. I was Grima. I killed Grima. It’s always me.”

“Not this you,” Chrom says. “Not this life. Not this time.”

Robin, too, knows what it’s like to be haunted by the shadow and memory of someone you could have been and once were and never will be.

[studylustre]

hey bb!! you're kinda a queen on here for giving advice so I hope you don't mind me seeking your advice.... at the moment I've been feeling really lost, I'm way behind on my peers this age in almost every aspect of life,, a reason for this is that my mental health is really bad and I lost my teen years to depression. Therefore now I can't even seem to be making friends or hold a normal conversation with adults due to my social anxiety. I used to be intelligent but I think now I'm just stupid ~~~

~~~ my dad keeps telling me how much I suck compared to everyone else, not every day but often enough that I know I'm definitely not fulfilling his expectations and I feel like I'm never going to be able to catch up on that. I've spent a lot of time on my own, I still do and I don't know how to change that, how to build my own life so I'm not dependent on my parents anymore and can move out after I've finished high school. I just would love to know your opinion on that. Please don't judge me too harshly skskshvff :')) I just would love to know how to build your own life apart from your own family, how one can be able to live with their own thoughts without getting depressed hehe,, idk I guess I carry a lot of guilt with me and I've never been able to overcome it and that's why I'm stuck not being able to move forward. Thank youu if you've read this!! I apologise that this is so unnecessary long, I'd be really grateful for some advice!! I'm a new anon btw,, :) sending u love🥺✨🌈

hi angel!! i don’t mind at all, thank u for stopping by and opening up to me about this bc it’s definitely not easy to talk to people about ur inner thoughts!! there’s quite a lot to discuss here so apologies if my response is all over the place. i first want to address what u said about feeling behind ur peers - i don’t want to dismiss ur concerns bc ur feelings are always valid and this is a v v v common feeling so ur definitely not alone in thinking this, but it’s honestly okay. this is something that took me a while to start internalising (still working on it) but there really are no rules in life!! there’s no set timeframe for you to have to achieve anything by. everyone’s path is different - we all have different dreams and goals and resources and so we all experience things at differently and at different times. life is not a competition and u don’t have to compare urself to ur peers!! also, don’t forget that even the people who u think are thriving and living their best lives have struggles of their own too. like i said, we all have our own journeys. what u see of other people’s is just a highlight reel - u never know what struggles they’re facing behind the scenes bc i can assure u, we all are going through something. none of us are just floating along life absolutely carefree!! there’s obstacles for us all and they manifest in different ways for all of us so do!! not!! compare!! urself!! to!! others!!

secondly, i’m sorry to hear that about ur dad. that’s an awful thing to hear from a parent. i know this doesn’t make up for it but i just wanted to tell u, if u haven’t heard this from anyone else, u are doing great. u may not be where u want to be right now (which is completely ok!! u have SO much time ahead of u to get to where u want to be) but u are trying, u are doing ur best and u are still here which means u are doing great. look at u, here, despite it all!! u have made it all this way and ur going to make so much more progress. i know it’s easier said than done but please try ur best to ignore the naysayers. all that matters is that u are living up to ur own standards - forget what ur dad expects of u, because ur life is ur own to live and u don’t exist to please him. also, i just wanted to reiterate ur point about ur dad having super high expectations and u feeling like u can’t keep up with them. that’s a rough realisation, but i think it’s also a v important one to acknowledge because it’s one that can set u free. if u know his expectations of u are a) unrealistic and b) too harsh, then don’t feel obligated to try and match up to them. in situations such as these, i find it’s often the case that no matter what u do, it will never be enough bc they will always find something to nitpick on. u can achieve incredible things and do everything to perfection and they will still find something to complain about and be disappointed in u for. this may or may not be the case for u, but if it is, i hope u can one day walk away from these expectations and live ur life freely the way u want without feeling like u have to measure up to any outsider’s expectations for u.

thirdly, u are not stupid!! u have so much to offer simply just by being u. i feel like u maybe think ur best days are behind u but that is far from the case. ur best days are still waiting for u!! u have so much to look forward to and so much to experience and to achieve. it’s okay to be confused and lost when trying to figure out this mess we call life. we’re all confused here bb!! none of us know exactly what we’re doing but we’re all faking it til we make it. think about it from the perspective of ur younger self - idk if this is the case for u but when i was young, i thought people who were 18 were Proper Adults. i’m now 22 and i still feel like i’m fumbling my way through life and i definitely don’t feel anything close to being an adult, but hey!! that’s okay. the important thing is that u try. even if u trip up, it doesn’t matter bc failure is inevitable in life and we all go through it. what matters is how u carry urself through these experiences and how u deal with it. it’s okay if u don’t know which direction u want to go in, or if ur not sure it’s the right path for u. just give it a go and try. u can only find out what’s good for u through actually trying. if it doesn’t work out, then whelp, at least now u know for sure that’s something that’s not for u!! onto the next experience. and the next. and the next. until u eventually find something that clicks for u. at that point, u can look back with all ur wisdom from ur experiences and know that every single trial u faced and overcame has made u a stronger, wiser and better person. we love character development!!

u mentioned that u live with a lot of guilt and u haven’t been able to move forward bc of that. would therapy be an option that u would be open to? otherwise, would u be open to trying to face some of that urself through journalling or something like that? i’m far from a qualified mental health professional so i don’t want to give u too much advice in this area bc i’m not qualified to do so, but as an anxious person and chronic overthinker, i really find that journalling helps for me to work through my thoughts. u might not be able to find all ur answers through journalling (i think that’s something that just comes through time and also potentially having a professional to walk u through it so u can untangle everything) but it does help u to get stuff off ur chest and to help u realise what’s bothering u, which is a step in the right direction. also, this may sound weird, but i hear that saying ur thoughts (the ones that cause u to spiral and feel bad/anxious) aloud to urself or to a friend helps a lot!! sometimes u don’t realise how irrational things are in ur head until u say it out loud and really hear it, or have a friend to talk u down from it.

i hope this helps!! i know this is superrrrr long and ramble-y but i hope it gave u some semblance of comfort. know that ur not alone in any of ur struggles and that there are better days waiting ahead for u!!

[sugarandspice-games]

I guess this is becoming a trend... I’m popping in before the actual intro to clarify-- if the text is in italic, it is me (Sugar) talking and regular is Spice. Alright? Cool. And so--

So, one night I’m going through youtube and I come upon this one shitposty video about some random anime that I’ve never even heard of. After doing some research, I discover that it’s actually based on a dating sim that I’ve also never heard of. As a joke I was like “Hey Sugar wanna watch this as a joke, it might be funny” and so we did. And uhm. Well.

Today we’re gonna be reviewing Brothers Conflict, aka Sweet Home Alabama 2: Electric Anime Boogaloo aka the anime that ruined our lives. [Again, disclaimer: neither Sugar nor I condone incest and/or pedophilia, two themes which are uh, very rampant in this anime which is why I cannot recommend it in good faith. It’s not good, don’t get me wrong. I can’t really say that I liked it even if watching it and ragging on it was kind of enjoyable, and I did get attached to some of the characters because that’s the kind of idiot I am. Also, we’re not shirking our duties to write I swear please don’t kill me--] Anyway, an obligatory SPOILER WARNING though this probably isn’t going in the main tag bc I do not want the fans to publicly stone me. Why are we reviewing this? Bc we need to talk about it somewhere. Though I say review lightly bc this... is really more of a critique.

ALSO we only watched the anime, idk if things are different in the game. There is no full english translation for the games and most of the LP channels have been copyright striked, so please don’t come at us for not knowing anything. I also know that otome games and dating sims don’t tend to translate well to anime, and I will be addressing this later.

So, dear god, where do I begin.

Where do we begin indeed? How about the fact that her name is Ema and I had to google to remember the heroine’s name? Also, she is seventeen.

Our plot, or well... what you COULD call a plot, I guess, if you REALLY wanted to give this anime that much credit, focuses on the aforementioned seventeen year old Hinata Ema, who has an absent father who apparently FOUND THE TIME TO FALL IN LOVE AND GET MARRIED BUT NEVER HAS A SECOND TO SPARE FOR HIS ONLY CHILD, RINTARO I SWEAR TO GOD I AM TAKING CUSTODY OF YOUR CHILD. HAND HER OVER-- Anyway. He’s getting married to a woman who has 13 sons (jesus christ ma’am have you ever heard of a condom?) and he decides to move her in with them because... I guess he has less braincells than I have balls, which is to say, zero. Hi, I’m trans.

So, Ema moves in with them... along with her talking grey squirrel, Juli. Juli is... interesting and by interesting, I mean-- ABSOLUTELY PUZZLING. He, apparently, has seen the majority of Ema’s life from babyhood to teenagerhood and can talk but is only understood by Ema (who he calls Chii) and Louis, the eighth son in the Asahina family. It is never explained why, or how Chii came across him or how in an episode, a single episode, he becomes human because why the hell not, I guess??? (Also, he is pretty. YES. I said it. Fight me.) [Quick Spice intervention, this squirrel can talk to people, transform into a human, enter dreams, and live way longer than a squirrel should since the average lifespan of a squirrel is like 6 years in the wild. Juli is apparently a god as none of this is EVER explained.]

And when she meets the Asahina family, it’s pretty much immediately chaos because these heterosexual (I guess? They look like a bunch of twinks to me but there goes anime trying to convince me that straight people are real and not a lie made up by Trump) men have NEVER and I mean NEVER known a woman in their entire lives, since they seem to want to bang their stepsister immediately. And most of them are GROWN ASS ADULTS. Only three of them are actually minors (though Iori is 18 and only one year older so I guess??? It’s okay??? But still weird) and one of them is a 13 year old who looks and acts like he’s 8.

Oh, and did I mention that out of these boys, only the adult triplets and the abusive asshole 16 year old get any kind of characterization AND character development? I mean, Subaru gets an “arc” if you can call it that, but really, they don’t give him much... personality. You could replace him with a cardboard cutout and it’d be the same. I feel bad for him (but not really because dude you are 20 and she is your sister, what the fuck--)

But if there’s anything good about this anime, it is the characters themselves. Several of the boys have redeeming qualities and interesting personalities and quirks, as well as interesting relationships and dynamics with each other. Yes, some of them are lacking in the plotline department while others may have decent plotlines and lack personality, and then some of them are just given absolutely nothing (COUGH Masaomi COUGH Ukyo COUGHCOUGHCOUGH Iori, and by the way, what the fuck is that game plotline bc I read the wiki since I wanted to know more about him. We don’t have time to unpack the mento illness luv. But you’re telling me they had all this meat to work with and they threw it in the trash and gave him nothing? What the hell?) And if anything, I feel as if the characters themselves are crippled by the plotline. If given a different story, perhaps, they may have room to shine, because a lot of them are compelling if not lovable (though some may not be... lovable. COUGHFuuto, at least not for me.) If you want to see our review on the characters, we’ll put out another post.

Iori... Iori has a hell of a plot in the game, according to the Wiki but I can’t blame the writers for not exploring all of it because whoa. It is dark and not in a good way. But back to the subject at hand... I agree with Spice. I do/did like quite a lot of the characters... provided the entire romantic plot is taken away but we will go into more of why the plot is problematic below. All I can really add is: There is a baby in this dumpster and canon has been taken out back to be shot like a lame horse.

This brings me to a point in which I would like to pause the character discussion and bring up a glaring flaw with this anime in general (aside from the... plot. Look, I’m not a huge fan of weird stepsibling stuff but I think that if you want to do something like that, there are ways to do it and ways not to do it. This was the way not to do it, which I’m getting to). The biggest thing that made this anime so uncomfortable was the imbalance of power dynamics. Why is the protagonist 17 when most of the love interests are 18 and older, and I mean much, much older? And she’s not any 17 year old... she’s a lonely, neglected girl who is starved for the love of a family. This makes her easily manipulated by the brothers, who clearly desire her for less than wholesome reasons, and that makes it skeevy. I’m not sure why there’s such a fetishization of nonconsent in media, as if it’s fine for as many men to lust after female protagonists as the writer desires BUT the woman can’t want a single one of them in return. It’s creepy, and quite frankly, I am very much over it. I also get that the age thing is probably a product of the protagonist of a teenager oriented dating sim not translating well to an anime (because really, all otome game MCs are meant to be a neat little pair of shoes for the player to imagine themselves in), but why are we fetishizing a teenager being groomed by adults anyway? Especially adults who have this much power over her to begin with? The power dynamics bring this plot from “Oh, this might be kinda trashy but it could be entertaining” to “This is extremely creepy and rapey and kind of a dumpster fire.”

This is also true. If we were to take age into consideration, Fuuto, Yusuke, and Iori would be the three candidates left for Chii. This is taking out the youngest as well, who is... thirteen, I think? But anyway, (I know I am probably going to get some hate for this but go for it), I am into stories that explore the stepsibling thing and it can make a good narrative-- but before everyone gets uppity: There is a line between FICTION and REALITY and I do not condone real life incest but a story is a story and there are ways to frame it that make it clear that it is not a romantic thing, or acceptable. This anime does not do that in it’s dynamics because some of the brothers do start off in that very firm caregiving, family role and it is a sharp turn into romance that makes you go, “?” or in Fuuto case, a blending that does lean into fetishization.

All in all I think the plot maybe could have been okay? I’m not saying it isn’t problematic, because we all know it is, who are we kidding? But I don’t think it’s wrong per se to explore family dynamics with romance and to understand where the line should be drawn, and maybe exploring the definition of family itself. I have seen fanfictions with similar tropes ask those questions and explore the concept beautifully without romanticizing or fetishizing incest and unhealthy power dynamics. It could have been good, and I get that perhaps I’m barking up the wrong tree by expecting mature themes in an anime based on an otome game, but it also could have been a lot less... creepy (I have used that word so much that it looks wrong now) even if it wasn’t the greatest thing ever. But again, what was I expecting? I watched this whole thing as a joke and ended up attached to the characters like a fool... That tends to be a trend here, and this is why we are so salty all the time. So anyway, stay tuned for our review of the characters! We may not cover all of them since some of them don’t really get anything, but we’ll cover what we found interesting.

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.